Choose You

It doesn't matter how fast your journey has become but what is more important are the lessons you have learned while walking the path you have chosen. No matter what people say, you have to believe in yourself and trust your skills. No one knows you better than you.

There are battles to be lost and battles to fight for and win. You gotta learn how to say no to preserve the one thing that matters most to you coz if u continue to pursue it then you will wake up one day as a sad lonely person.

One wise man has told me, you work hard, get rich but in the end you cant bring all those at your end of life. What matters are the memories you made, the connections you foster and the love you give to the people around you. Live to the fullest, have fun, get drunk once in awhile, act foolishly and do something you haven't done each day. Fill your soul with rich experiences and memories you would never trade for any sack of gold offered by anyone.

Chose your life, love, passion..choose your happiness, choose YOU.

Let go and Move on

it takes one heartbreak to change a person,

one regret to compensate for the future,

one word to calm the haunted subconscious mind 

and one brave soul to mend all the broken pieces of you fragmented life. 

Say goodbye to grudges.. 

Move forward. 

Forgive. 

Love. 

and 

Be Free.

Lies

Once you have been hurt, you develop scars that despite any lapse of time, it still remains to remind you of what happened in the past. you develop mechanisms that you might not have been fully aware of but are there because you wanted to protect yourself of that very same mistake to happen again. You alter your way of dealing with people, situations and actions. You started to lie to save a face and not let other people in for fear of discrimination and altering perceptions of you.

It seems important at the moment but when time pass and once you get tired of all the lies, you will soon come into terms that it does not matter anymore and what matters is that what you have right now is real and that you are happy.

Dark and Empty Night

I feel so cold and hollow in the inside. I feel so alone and void in every aspect of my being. I am walking blindly and with no purpose. Is it too pathetic if i tell you that i want to die and just be gone? My life is pointless. No meaning and sadly no direction to go.

I go to work and i feel empty. I go to work and just when i get there i just hope that i can go home.

All my life i want to prove something. Now that i reach them i am at lost and kept asking myself, now what?! What the fuck is next for me? What the hell should i do?!

Seems like my life is a joke.

Seniority BS

I love where I work and God knows how proud I am to be a part of it but this whole process of hiring and getting a F/T job is driving me nuts! They hire by seniority and experience, sadly two things that I do not have at the moment because I just graduated. I have to work 2-3 jobs just to get the right amount of hours just to be F/T.

When I was in the university, my professor had raised a very interesting comment and it is about how new RNs changed career after just a few months of getting into the field.

I guess one factor of why some had chosen to make a u-turn instead of going ahead with their career is this: the lack of better opportunities, F/T jobs and security. We have studied for 4yrs, some of us even more! And then suddenly after you graduate and start getting excited of finding a first job and practice what you have learnt in class; all you will get is a casual job or part time. This matter is very concerning and depressing for me. Some say it is for the money but for me:

1. It is about having F/T hours of experience and exposure to the craft/profession that you have chosen.
2. It is about having F/T hours of building connections that deepens your roots.
3. F/T hours so there is no room/time to idle and think about something else
4. F/T hours to appreciate why are you in this profession.

So many things why. I just hope they realized this ASAP. It is good that they are honouring those that have been in the organization for a very long time but there will be more of that in the future if they take care of those that just started in the field and are very hungry and eager to work; and prove something.

Doubts. Denial, Honesty, Courage and Acceptance

You could fool other people but not yourself. You can choose to portray a certain facade but if does not match how you feel inside then eventually you will suffer.

You can tame the demons that haunt inside you but the longer you keep it inside your head, the stronger they become and will over power you someday.

And at some point in your life when lying, saving a face and keeping it all in does not suffice anymore- all you have left in you are the facts, the feelings and relentless urges. Thus, will force you to re- evaluate all these and be honest at what you are genuinely feeling.

It will take time before you find the courage and admit to what those honest emotions might impose but until then your soul will be tormented until you release all those suppressed thoughts and emotions.

And when you finally have done so, even if some other parties cannot accept your honest feelings - you will feel a sense of ease because you have come into terms of everything and have accepted you fate, destiny and path to take in your life.

Contentment

I am falling in a great deal of apathy again. I am lost and I dot know what to do with my nursing career. I am proud of my profession and how noble it is to help other people in need of care but I am in a point in my life wherein I am wondering which path to take to make myself better and be successful and frankly, where I am right now is not where I want to be in the future.

My partner said, if I am not happy with what I have right now, it does not matter if I reach my goals for I will forever be unhappy because I will constantly seek for better options and opportunity. Hence, I will not be contented at all with what I have and what I am.

What's the secret of being happy? What is the main ingredient of it? Is it success, love, career, money, material things? I think any of these can bring about happiness but without content then it's all pointless.

We were constantly been told to improve ourselves and strive to be successful but I think there's an important factor they have missed and it is about being happy with what you have at the moment too. Take the time to enjoy what you have, tap yourself on the shoulder for great job or celebrate the accomplishments you've made because if you don't, then we will be stuck in a constant mentality to crave for something new, exciting and better options which is not completely a negative thing but it just makes in-contentment more likely and decreases the likelihood of really being happy.

Motivation, Inspiration and Passion

We create demons inside our head and sometimes it gets really tiring to suppress them and in return, it is taking over our decisions and our lives. How do we battle something that is so intangible in nature? How can we manage to live and conquer these inside our heads if we have no clue as to where It started and what started it?


Anhedonia the say it is the very inability to feel happiness or fulfillment. Maybe I have that or maybe I just happen to have chronic dissatisfaction in my life. I was never a happy camper. I never was and I think I will never be. I envy people who feels happy and maintain that state of mind for a very longtime. Me? My happiness only last 5 minutes.


Sometimes I would feel that my mind is in constant travel. Like thoughts literally flying in every direction and quite frankly some of them I don't even know why I am thinking of it. It tires my mind, my body...ME. The sad part is it is affecting my inner social circle of people too. Sometimes I wonder how they put up with me and my constant issues. They love me I guess.


I'm impatient. I wanted to succeed so bad that I want it all right away. Some say it is not all bad. But me? I give all out: my effort,time, energy and thoughts. And at some point when I have exhausted everything and to no avail still, I will feel highly frustrated and drained, or maybe to sum it all up: fucked up.


I would like to think that I am creative but as of the moment I have been so blocked that I am so uninspired right now. I missed the days when I was bursting with innovative ideas and wow myself at the outcome. Now I am a big follower of everything. Follow policy and protocol, follow the norm of whatever unit.


You probably would read this and say, if you are not happy why not change it? There is a great algorithm for life that I saw and it goes something like this: if you are happy, continue what you are doing and then if you are not: change something. Would it be nice if life is as easy as like that? But no, life has so many compounding factors and complexities that changing the other one would terribly affect the other factors in your life.


And then there are other reasons why as well: laziness, no courage and fear of the unknown. Why trade this life if the other option is so incredulously blur? I think I know what I am missing and I think they are: motivation, inspiration and passion. Would it be nice if nowadays, there is a pill that you can just take to reach a therapeutic level of it so it can snap you back to normality and function as others have everyday of their life. Maybe the very problem is that I don't want to be like everybody else all along. Maybe I want to create my own path and let others follow me. A profound path that I would be known for. Sigh. Enough of my grandiosity. I need to sleep this off and have a good coffee after. Maybe tomorrow will bring a better disposition.

Everything Happens for a Reason

Life can be straight up shitty sometimes. It can make you think that everything and everyone is conspiring to make you the saddest and unluckiest person on earth but the thing I learned about life is that everything happens for a reason.

You have to feel sad sometimes to appreciate how wonderful it is to finally be happy and smile.

You have to feel unlucky sometimes so you’d know how great it is to finally get your luck back.

You have to feel broke sometimes so you’d not forget how fortunate you are to have worked so hard to attain what you have right now.

You have to feel stupid sometimes so you’d know what to do next time.

You have to get hurt sometimes so you’d know how vulnerable you are and develop mechanisms that can alter that fragile soul.

You have to be left out sometime so you’d know how to be comfortable with being alone and with silence.

You have to be unloved by someone sometimes you’d know how to love yourself.

Fight and Silence

Sometimes we fight and we don't even know why we fight but what hurts me more is not the reason why we fought but by the mere fact that you can go on days without speaking to me.

Take your pride with you coz I sure will not be the one that approach you first again. You love yourself then you can love yourself even more when you lose me already.

You chose to prove a point then you can have your stupid point with you.

Idle Time

Sometimes when you have lots of time to idle, the most obvious things surfaced and it starts hitting you hard one by one, day by day.

You start to reassess your life and what could've been. You start to ponder what else could you do to make your present life better. You start to wonder, you start to want more and you start to crumble too.

Growing up I wasn't really raised as a typical child. My mom wasn't always around and even if she was she was consumed by all other stuff. She never really showed affection and the mere attempt for a conversation always results to insult, put down and expression of disappointments. I wasn't raised to be confident, nor used to praise and that yielded not being content of what I have all the time.

Maybe I hated happy kids because I never had that. Maybe I make them cry because I know they are showered by love all the time by their moms. Maybe I hated to see such a free spirit at young age because I wasn't and will never be like that.

I am becoming more like my mom, my attitude especially to my partner. I treat her with such disrespect and I boss her that she gets tired of me already. I don't blame her but at the same time I have the expectation she'll be more understanding of me and what I am going through at the moment.

I was never simple and shiny happy person. I will never be that kind. Even if they say a person can change or medications can alter mood.. It's a process, a very long one and I don't know when I'll get to that point yet. All I know is that right now I'm in a turbulent waves of doubt, sadness and apathy.

Dear Self

I know you are pretty scattered right now and everything seems to be closing in so fast that you cannot keep up anymore with anyone or anything. It is like you are trapped inside your body and you don’t have a clue what is going on in the outside. You are present physically but your mind and soul is somewhere else trying to figure out why the hell you are where you are and why didn’t you take the other path that you know you truly like. We had this situation before right?! We had this, we experienced it and we got over it. We can do it again.

Don’t lose hope, even if everything is a blur, promise me you would not give up. You have a ton of potentials and this is just a start. You have to finish this race you started 6yrs ago. I know you are tired and your knees are close to giving away but sit down for a moment, take it easy…take a deep breath and relax. Put into perspective everything you worked hard for to get here. Don’t disregard all that because we both knew you busted your ass to get here and attain what you have now. Imagine our dreams, their dreams….I knew we agreed that they are not similar but you rest assured that time that the only thing that can make you move forward is to make their dreams come true first before going for your own. Because you told me, remember? That that sense of proudness and fulfillment you’ll feel when you finish this race first will tantamount to the happiness you’ll feel in the future.

So hold on, there will be still days that you feel crappy about but there are days to make up for it as well. There is time to recover, regain that strength and fire in your heart. Don’t lose that hope…that drive, our drive. Let’s take it one step at a time. Shall we?

Take the Time

Its amazing how the world turns so fast without waiting for you. How fast it goes that everyone you see is just a face sometimes and everything you do is somewhere off your need to do list only.. That we do what we do and say what we say just to get by the day... That we fail to notice the beauty of life, people and maybe sometimes a good music! Life can sometimes be so overwhelming but we oughta make time to sit down for a moment, take a breather and just appreciate the beauty of small things. For we can only be satisfied and happy with big things if we learn to appreciate the small things first. So i say, say i love you to one of the dearest person in your lives, complement a stranger, enjoy the sun, listen and sing along to a good song and most importantly, take time to appreciate and be proud of yourself.

Proud

I look at everything and felt proud of the journey i came to finish. It hasnt been fast but nevertheless all necessary to make me the person that i am now.

I work, study and juggle personal life. I felt proud. Accomplished.

Own Your Health

In order to take care of others, we should learn how to take care of ourselves first. Being a nurse, we think of ourselves as immune to sickness because our profession warrants that we help heal our patients. We get so wrapped up with the work that we forget how to take care of ourselves. And some factors like finances also warrants we take necessary actions to make ends meet. Double job, overtime and double hours..sounds awfully familiar right?! but what we don't know is that for every hours we work extra, we also increase he likelihood of us getting sick: not just physically but mentally as well. Our body can take do much work but one antibiotics or analgesics can do cure it at times but our mind? It's fragile. If we don't do something to help it cope, you'll lose it one day and you'll realize if only I have taken that day off or grab a coffee outside and write my thoughts. Sadly, we tell our students from time to time that they should do this and that to take care of their help and yet we fall short on our own health and well being.

I work hard not cause of the money and not because it is my profession but mostly I work because I feel worth if I'm needed by someone and I always feel self fulfilled if I make a difference in my job.

Words Left Unsaid

Sometimes i say the meanest things,
Act like a rude person and hurt you unintentionally. Im sorry.

I know life can be crazy and i can't manage my time well and sometimes i always pour all my frustrations on to you

But i want you to know that having you is the only constant thing in my life that makes me sane, happy and contented.

And that at the end of a very tiring day, the safest place i can be is to be wrapped around your arms. That every failure and regret doesn't seem to feel too painful anymore when you plant those kisses to mine. That i can smile again after feeling defeated because i have such a wonderful and loving person in my life.

I want to thank you for never getting tired. For picking up the pieces of my broken hopes and helping me rebuild it. For mending my beaten up ego; for catching me when i'm almost close to hitting the ground; for leading the way when im too weak to walk.. For every little thing and for always being there when i need you.

I love you.

Lowdown

Im tired of people always taking me for granted. Never gave me value and appreciation. Never trusted me.

Those I care about always end up the one hurting me instead. Because I cared and loved them a lot but they don't give a damn about me or don't care as much as I would love them to be.

They say that it always has to start with yourself but how could I do that when I can't even understand myself and what I am going through sometimes. It hurts to lose control of your life, your mood or how you function; sad part is everyone thinks you're just overreacting or faking it! God! Who the fuck are they to say what I am feeling is irrelevant or has no truth at all! They don't know a single thing! Even if I explain what I am going through they could not entirely feel what I am feeling.

My other half , sadly I thought she understood me but now turns out she's just trying to put up with me. Great. I could not have felt even better!

Come to think of it now, I don't think I met someone who truly gets me. Crap must be a sad lonely hopeless human being!

Films and Sexual Orientation

It's sad how lesbians are portrayed in films, they always end in a bitter note. I start to wonder how many young lesbians are out there searching for materials that could actually make sense of their orientation especially for teenagers who are just trying to figure things out. Technology and media that plays a big part of them will be the number one source of their first information, guide or education regarding this and if they see that being a lesbian is not really a happy like normal homosexual films are they might even take a harder turn as to how they can appreciate what they truly are.

Hammy

You are the motivation that drives me when I am running out of interest, you are my strength when my feet are weary, you put a smile on my face when everything is shitty, you washed away the thoughts/voices the haunt me at night.. Although I fail to always make u feel special, do you know that I won't be whole without you? You keep me sane. I love u.

Cycle of Let Downs

You never fail to break my heart. I guess it is what it is. We are what we are.. And what we were before is just a memory of the past. I guess we can never really tie in two different worlds. I guess i was frustrated because those i cared a lot before never seem to care a lot for me. You broke my heart and hurt my feelings again like it's the one thing you're good at! I hate you.

Death as Part of a Job

When a patient dies, they say its his time already, or his prognosis is so dire that no immediate treatment can save him; or it's just the way of life.

I'd like to think that way but I can't because this is someone else's dad, grand dad or spouse. I wish I can let it go and say that I did my best but there's still that pressure in my gut that somehow eats me up inside. And then you start to ponder, did i do everything that I could? Like all of it?

I know some will say it is part of my job and that I should get used to it already because when you think about it, I work in a medical field and that this should be just a routine already. But I can't and I won't be that person because If I become that person then I might as well lose my soul. Death can never be just an ordinary thing for me because death, the concept of it just portrays sadness to me. Imagine if it was someone you love, will you think of it as still part of the job/life? I would go hysterical! It's like drilling a part of your heart and leaving that hole empty because you know that no one can ever replace that person in your life.

This job has a happy side and a sad side. This is the downside of it. As they say, if you are a nurse, you have to prepare for sweat, tears and blood. This is the tears part of it. So then I asked myself, how do I go about with my future now?

Truth is I don't know yet. All I can think of is that I will carry it as a part of me. A reminder that every life is precious and that I should do the best that I can to try and retain, save and keep them. Every single soul of my patients, regardless of age, sex or diagnoses. You do the best you can because in the end, if you don't, the biggest enemy you'd face is your conscience.