Anhedonia the say it is the very inability to feel happiness or fulfillment. Maybe I have that or maybe I just happen to have chronic dissatisfaction in my life. I was never a happy camper. I never was and I think I will never be. I envy people who feels happy and maintain that state of mind for a very longtime. Me? My happiness only last 5 minutes.
Sometimes I would feel that my mind is in constant travel. Like thoughts literally flying in every direction and quite frankly some of them I don't even know why I am thinking of it. It tires my mind, my body...ME. The sad part is it is affecting my inner social circle of people too. Sometimes I wonder how they put up with me and my constant issues. They love me I guess.
I'm impatient. I wanted to succeed so bad that I want it all right away. Some say it is not all bad. But me? I give all out: my effort,time, energy and thoughts. And at some point when I have exhausted everything and to no avail still, I will feel highly frustrated and drained, or maybe to sum it all up: fucked up.
I would like to think that I am creative but as of the moment I have been so blocked that I am so uninspired right now. I missed the days when I was bursting with innovative ideas and wow myself at the outcome. Now I am a big follower of everything. Follow policy and protocol, follow the norm of whatever unit.
You probably would read this and say, if you are not happy why not change it? There is a great algorithm for life that I saw and it goes something like this: if you are happy, continue what you are doing and then if you are not: change something. Would it be nice if life is as easy as like that? But no, life has so many compounding factors and complexities that changing the other one would terribly affect the other factors in your life.
And then there are other reasons why as well: laziness, no courage and fear of the unknown. Why trade this life if the other option is so incredulously blur? I think I know what I am missing and I think they are: motivation, inspiration and passion. Would it be nice if nowadays, there is a pill that you can just take to reach a therapeutic level of it so it can snap you back to normality and function as others have everyday of their life. Maybe the very problem is that I don't want to be like everybody else all along. Maybe I want to create my own path and let others follow me. A profound path that I would be known for. Sigh. Enough of my grandiosity. I need to sleep this off and have a good coffee after. Maybe tomorrow will bring a better disposition.
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