Idle Time

Sometimes when you have lots of time to idle, the most obvious things surfaced and it starts hitting you hard one by one, day by day.

You start to reassess your life and what could've been. You start to ponder what else could you do to make your present life better. You start to wonder, you start to want more and you start to crumble too.

Growing up I wasn't really raised as a typical child. My mom wasn't always around and even if she was she was consumed by all other stuff. She never really showed affection and the mere attempt for a conversation always results to insult, put down and expression of disappointments. I wasn't raised to be confident, nor used to praise and that yielded not being content of what I have all the time.

Maybe I hated happy kids because I never had that. Maybe I make them cry because I know they are showered by love all the time by their moms. Maybe I hated to see such a free spirit at young age because I wasn't and will never be like that.

I am becoming more like my mom, my attitude especially to my partner. I treat her with such disrespect and I boss her that she gets tired of me already. I don't blame her but at the same time I have the expectation she'll be more understanding of me and what I am going through at the moment.

I was never simple and shiny happy person. I will never be that kind. Even if they say a person can change or medications can alter mood.. It's a process, a very long one and I don't know when I'll get to that point yet. All I know is that right now I'm in a turbulent waves of doubt, sadness and apathy.