Fight and Silence

Sometimes we fight and we don't even know why we fight but what hurts me more is not the reason why we fought but by the mere fact that you can go on days without speaking to me.

Take your pride with you coz I sure will not be the one that approach you first again. You love yourself then you can love yourself even more when you lose me already.

You chose to prove a point then you can have your stupid point with you.

Idle Time

Sometimes when you have lots of time to idle, the most obvious things surfaced and it starts hitting you hard one by one, day by day.

You start to reassess your life and what could've been. You start to ponder what else could you do to make your present life better. You start to wonder, you start to want more and you start to crumble too.

Growing up I wasn't really raised as a typical child. My mom wasn't always around and even if she was she was consumed by all other stuff. She never really showed affection and the mere attempt for a conversation always results to insult, put down and expression of disappointments. I wasn't raised to be confident, nor used to praise and that yielded not being content of what I have all the time.

Maybe I hated happy kids because I never had that. Maybe I make them cry because I know they are showered by love all the time by their moms. Maybe I hated to see such a free spirit at young age because I wasn't and will never be like that.

I am becoming more like my mom, my attitude especially to my partner. I treat her with such disrespect and I boss her that she gets tired of me already. I don't blame her but at the same time I have the expectation she'll be more understanding of me and what I am going through at the moment.

I was never simple and shiny happy person. I will never be that kind. Even if they say a person can change or medications can alter mood.. It's a process, a very long one and I don't know when I'll get to that point yet. All I know is that right now I'm in a turbulent waves of doubt, sadness and apathy.

Dear Self

I know you are pretty scattered right now and everything seems to be closing in so fast that you cannot keep up anymore with anyone or anything. It is like you are trapped inside your body and you don’t have a clue what is going on in the outside. You are present physically but your mind and soul is somewhere else trying to figure out why the hell you are where you are and why didn’t you take the other path that you know you truly like. We had this situation before right?! We had this, we experienced it and we got over it. We can do it again.

Don’t lose hope, even if everything is a blur, promise me you would not give up. You have a ton of potentials and this is just a start. You have to finish this race you started 6yrs ago. I know you are tired and your knees are close to giving away but sit down for a moment, take it easy…take a deep breath and relax. Put into perspective everything you worked hard for to get here. Don’t disregard all that because we both knew you busted your ass to get here and attain what you have now. Imagine our dreams, their dreams….I knew we agreed that they are not similar but you rest assured that time that the only thing that can make you move forward is to make their dreams come true first before going for your own. Because you told me, remember? That that sense of proudness and fulfillment you’ll feel when you finish this race first will tantamount to the happiness you’ll feel in the future.

So hold on, there will be still days that you feel crappy about but there are days to make up for it as well. There is time to recover, regain that strength and fire in your heart. Don’t lose that hope…that drive, our drive. Let’s take it one step at a time. Shall we?

Take the Time

Its amazing how the world turns so fast without waiting for you. How fast it goes that everyone you see is just a face sometimes and everything you do is somewhere off your need to do list only.. That we do what we do and say what we say just to get by the day... That we fail to notice the beauty of life, people and maybe sometimes a good music! Life can sometimes be so overwhelming but we oughta make time to sit down for a moment, take a breather and just appreciate the beauty of small things. For we can only be satisfied and happy with big things if we learn to appreciate the small things first. So i say, say i love you to one of the dearest person in your lives, complement a stranger, enjoy the sun, listen and sing along to a good song and most importantly, take time to appreciate and be proud of yourself.

Proud

I look at everything and felt proud of the journey i came to finish. It hasnt been fast but nevertheless all necessary to make me the person that i am now.

I work, study and juggle personal life. I felt proud. Accomplished.

Own Your Health

In order to take care of others, we should learn how to take care of ourselves first. Being a nurse, we think of ourselves as immune to sickness because our profession warrants that we help heal our patients. We get so wrapped up with the work that we forget how to take care of ourselves. And some factors like finances also warrants we take necessary actions to make ends meet. Double job, overtime and double hours..sounds awfully familiar right?! but what we don't know is that for every hours we work extra, we also increase he likelihood of us getting sick: not just physically but mentally as well. Our body can take do much work but one antibiotics or analgesics can do cure it at times but our mind? It's fragile. If we don't do something to help it cope, you'll lose it one day and you'll realize if only I have taken that day off or grab a coffee outside and write my thoughts. Sadly, we tell our students from time to time that they should do this and that to take care of their help and yet we fall short on our own health and well being.

I work hard not cause of the money and not because it is my profession but mostly I work because I feel worth if I'm needed by someone and I always feel self fulfilled if I make a difference in my job.

Words Left Unsaid

Sometimes i say the meanest things,
Act like a rude person and hurt you unintentionally. Im sorry.

I know life can be crazy and i can't manage my time well and sometimes i always pour all my frustrations on to you

But i want you to know that having you is the only constant thing in my life that makes me sane, happy and contented.

And that at the end of a very tiring day, the safest place i can be is to be wrapped around your arms. That every failure and regret doesn't seem to feel too painful anymore when you plant those kisses to mine. That i can smile again after feeling defeated because i have such a wonderful and loving person in my life.

I want to thank you for never getting tired. For picking up the pieces of my broken hopes and helping me rebuild it. For mending my beaten up ego; for catching me when i'm almost close to hitting the ground; for leading the way when im too weak to walk.. For every little thing and for always being there when i need you.

I love you.

Lowdown

Im tired of people always taking me for granted. Never gave me value and appreciation. Never trusted me.

Those I care about always end up the one hurting me instead. Because I cared and loved them a lot but they don't give a damn about me or don't care as much as I would love them to be.

They say that it always has to start with yourself but how could I do that when I can't even understand myself and what I am going through sometimes. It hurts to lose control of your life, your mood or how you function; sad part is everyone thinks you're just overreacting or faking it! God! Who the fuck are they to say what I am feeling is irrelevant or has no truth at all! They don't know a single thing! Even if I explain what I am going through they could not entirely feel what I am feeling.

My other half , sadly I thought she understood me but now turns out she's just trying to put up with me. Great. I could not have felt even better!

Come to think of it now, I don't think I met someone who truly gets me. Crap must be a sad lonely hopeless human being!

Films and Sexual Orientation

It's sad how lesbians are portrayed in films, they always end in a bitter note. I start to wonder how many young lesbians are out there searching for materials that could actually make sense of their orientation especially for teenagers who are just trying to figure things out. Technology and media that plays a big part of them will be the number one source of their first information, guide or education regarding this and if they see that being a lesbian is not really a happy like normal homosexual films are they might even take a harder turn as to how they can appreciate what they truly are.

Hammy

You are the motivation that drives me when I am running out of interest, you are my strength when my feet are weary, you put a smile on my face when everything is shitty, you washed away the thoughts/voices the haunt me at night.. Although I fail to always make u feel special, do you know that I won't be whole without you? You keep me sane. I love u.

Cycle of Let Downs

You never fail to break my heart. I guess it is what it is. We are what we are.. And what we were before is just a memory of the past. I guess we can never really tie in two different worlds. I guess i was frustrated because those i cared a lot before never seem to care a lot for me. You broke my heart and hurt my feelings again like it's the one thing you're good at! I hate you.

Death as Part of a Job

When a patient dies, they say its his time already, or his prognosis is so dire that no immediate treatment can save him; or it's just the way of life.

I'd like to think that way but I can't because this is someone else's dad, grand dad or spouse. I wish I can let it go and say that I did my best but there's still that pressure in my gut that somehow eats me up inside. And then you start to ponder, did i do everything that I could? Like all of it?

I know some will say it is part of my job and that I should get used to it already because when you think about it, I work in a medical field and that this should be just a routine already. But I can't and I won't be that person because If I become that person then I might as well lose my soul. Death can never be just an ordinary thing for me because death, the concept of it just portrays sadness to me. Imagine if it was someone you love, will you think of it as still part of the job/life? I would go hysterical! It's like drilling a part of your heart and leaving that hole empty because you know that no one can ever replace that person in your life.

This job has a happy side and a sad side. This is the downside of it. As they say, if you are a nurse, you have to prepare for sweat, tears and blood. This is the tears part of it. So then I asked myself, how do I go about with my future now?

Truth is I don't know yet. All I can think of is that I will carry it as a part of me. A reminder that every life is precious and that I should do the best that I can to try and retain, save and keep them. Every single soul of my patients, regardless of age, sex or diagnoses. You do the best you can because in the end, if you don't, the biggest enemy you'd face is your conscience.