Stale Breads

You are not a perfect lover, I know that. Sometimes I just miss the old you, the one that I first knew and fell in love with. We live in the same house, we cook for each other and do our mindane responsibilities in life. We call ourselves a married couple and yet sometimes I feel like we are becoming more like strangers. Yes, we know stuff about each other and we shared laughter and tears together but the very thing that I am yearning for is an emotional connection. When I am darn lost and down, Inwish you can say all the right words and just comfort me...to say that no matterr how fucked up the situation is, we can make it because you are there and we are together. When my thoughts are racing, I wish that instead of giving in, you would give me clarity instead. At night, I just wish you can hug me tight and say I love you over and over again and not just merely falling asleep like a fucking log. What are we really? What am I to you? Sure maybe you just have your own way of showing things and I have a screwed idea of what a lover should be, but god damn it! Why should I even have to tell you things that you should know already?it is like time has slowly made you a stale bread, a tasteless effin bread.  Or maybe that is just it, you have fallen out of love. Maybe I am just too tiring to love and you cannot even voluntarily love me. 

That is just sad. Reading that part out loud just makes me wanna cry. How pathetic we have become. They say every relationship goes into a phase like this and itshouldn't be such a surpise. How fucking wonderful, we are becoming two stale breads playing house. I guess we should just call ourselves companions. 

What do you do when the fire and the light is slowly dying already? Do you just let it die and die with it? Coz I think that is where we are heading.

Hyperactive Mind

Everything won't make any sense to you all the time but not every single detail should matter anyways.  You have to train your mind to stop wandering, discipline it so it won't leave youconfused, bewildered and anxious. I get it, it is hard but for your sanity, you have to try harder to accept things you cannot change, let go of the grudges and prioritize all your wonderful ideas. Not all of them should happen all at once. Everything has its own time..all of it will happen and come undone in due time. 

So, stall your hyperactive mind, come away with me to a place where only relaxation and happiness exists.   

Self Acceptance

At a young age we strive hard to belong because it is our nature but not all of us are created the same way as the other. There are preconceived ideas, beliefs and notions that simply because we don't conform to any of these, we are labelled and branded to be an outcast or far something worst. At some point we have to realize that no matter how important our family, friends and society is to us, we have to apprehend that we need to know ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves first before we can ever have human connections and relationships. No matter how fucked up our society is in viewing  certain things, you owe it to yourself to just be who you are and embark in a journey called self discovery and acceptance. It doesn't matter how harsh the world is, as long as you are not hurting anyone and you are living the life you love, that it what is most important. 

We cannot change narrow minded people, what we can change is how we react to them or if we will let them break us. 

They have their own opinion and they are entitled to that, we can always agree to disagree on certain beliefs. I still have hope, that one day we can live harmoniously despite all our differences and oddities. 

Love of a Dog

I know you are mad at me right now but I want you to know:

I will never get tired annoying you and giving you kisses.
I will always be here for you.
I will never get tired loving you.

Because I love you with all my life and I am grateful that you came into my life.

- WILLOW

Star-Crossed Lovers

You are part of my memory. Part of my fantasy. Part of me. Part of my life, perhaps lies?
How long do you have to pretend, suppress those feelings or continue to be lonely.
You are walking away and taking the high road when deep inside you are dying.
You locked away your love even when you know it has so much potential. Knowing that a part of you will never be the same because not everyone is the same as that person you are running away from.
IT has crossed your mind to tell the truth, to tell her you innermost desire and feelings but even thinking of it scares the hell out of you because you cannot even see yourself as that person...a person that is carefree, do not pretend and just love, no matter what the consequences are. It made you smile, didn't it? To be just THAT even in your thoughts. Feels rejuvenating, liberating but sadly you remember you are a coward whose morale standards are always above her heart. SO, you run. You hide and you slowly lose grip of this illusion of happiness. You got a brand new box to hide it, you locked it and threw that key away; and you never looked back.

Sad that is so easy for you to forget, to disregard everything. To build something and then just leave it hanging. To start to mess with emotions and then build walls to hide that there was even anything. Maybe it is me, I am not worth it to be fought for. Maybe that is always gonna be the case. Someone will fall but then is too afraid to fight for me, save me or make me happier. I don't need your love to be happy. I can be happy regardless if you love me or not. I know that for sure, but who am I kidding, I know I will be happier in your arms. Just seeing you makes me happy. Seeing you smile makes my heart flutter and hearing you laugh brings me joy already. But who are we kidding, we are both cowards...coz I would rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.


We both let others BE and live our lives separate but in a distance we still glance at each other thinking of what could've been if the circumstances are different.

SO, so long my star-crossed love. Maybe in a different universe, a different lifetime...our paths will cross again. And maybe, just maybe you will be mine and I to you.

Love

What is love? A feeling so devoid of meaning that sometimes we just say it casually. So easily that whenever someone says it, we just easily accept and say the same thing if we feel somewhat the same.

For me, love is the feeling I feel whenever I am with you. The feeling of being so captivated by your eyes and thought process that I cannot help but to stare with you all the time. That warm fuzzy feeling I feel whenever I am with you and the feeling of wanting to be with you all the time. Love is not having to hide who you are to someone. Love is having to be content just having you in my arms and glancing at your lovely face. Love is a commitment both of us made and that bind us together.

Love goes beyond attraction.
Goes beyond destruction.
Love is having to forgive
and having to live life with the other person.
Love is you and me.
Against everything
without you
I am nothing.

The Richman's Daughter

I don't know why I am getting hooked with this show: "The Richman's Daughter" to the point that I am getting obsessed with it. Maybe it is the fact that I am part of the LGBT community that the show is portraying and I feel so happy that finally a show about us is getting an exposure in one of the major television companies in the Philippines. The show touched me in so many levels because it shows you the struggle or dilemma that a young member of the LGBT community feels when they are still trying to find who they really are, not to mention to go against what the society thinks is right v what you truly feel.

Although, I have a massive crush on one of the major character, Althea. I'd like to say both actors committed to the role so much that it appears to be so real and sincere. I hope that this will be the bridge to help my home country be more understanding and accepting of our community. Love has no gender. We are all equal when it comes to that. This is a giant leap for my conservative country and I salute GMA for doing this. 

Is there a better way to forget

I dreamt about you again. Sigh. Your sweet face and lovely smile, my weakness and my happiness. I thought I have forgotten you and yet who am I kidding, my subconscious mind is relentlessly  reminding me of how I long to be with you. It is like somehow the universe is conspiring to tell me I cannot forget about how much I like you. Here am I thinking I was doing okay already. I have to stop. Is there a better way to forget you?

 

You are special

There's a link, an invincible thread that binds us both together. There's a certain gravitational pull that just keeps me thinking about you, spending time with you and being with you. It's like in the moment my mind wanders, it is wondering about you.

It is like you are my mind's sanctuary against all the austerity of the world. And that just the mere fact that I know you are there is a comfort to my chaotic mind.

There are certain things in life we cannot explain or give meaning to because the moment we try to rationalize, it loses its own individual special meaning.

So what are we? What am I to you. All I can say is you are special and you are always here in my heart. Regardless of what I say or do. Remember that because when I extrapolate everything, it always sums up to the love I have for you.

Get a life and not ruin others

I saw her a couple of days ago. It is like my spidey senses were telling me she would be there. I saw her in the movie theater and a sudden jolt of anger made me so jittery. I wanted to come at her and scream at her, tell her nasty things or maybe hurt her. Ahh, what pleasant thoughts I was having at that time. To be in the same place with someone who ruined your relationship, your life and your happiness in a certain period of time, is such an agonizing feeling. What is harder is to walk away and not do anything or act on your anger.

I walked away but in my mind I have a different sinister scenario. I am still mad at her, heck I do not think I would ever stand to see her in standing in front of me. To throw away friendship and justify your selfish impulses to hurt someone else, you do not deserve to be part of my life. So get a life and not ruin others.

Eulogy

Shoppers Drugmart. This where my life begun and where I met the first few people I cherish and trust. One of which is Ate Karen. We say our casual hellos and chats when we were at work but I got to know her more during our break times, we would talk and she will give me some of her wonderful home cooked meals. She was a type of person you can easily get a long with and be at ease with as she had a radiant pure soul that you never see nowadays. Never have I heard her say bad things to others or be negative. She always see light when others see darkness. She exemplifies what your achievements are and she would even be more proud of you or your family for what you have achieved. I got to meet her family and that even deepened by admiration for her as she was raising 3 kids along with her husband and working 2-3 jobs sometimes. Regardless of her busy schedules, she still try to help out with her friends like looking after one of friend's kid while she is at home.

When the news broke that she had breast cancer, we were all sad for her but instead of seeing a grim face whenever we visited her either to their house or the hospital, she always had a smile on her face as she was more thankful that someone has visited her. You will always hear her say, "thank you for visiting me". Even when talking about her cancer, she always remained optimistic about treatment and so as with her fate. She always say, "do not question God's plan as there's always a good reason for it". She accepted death and even embraced the possibility of it already; despite this, she always expressed her concern about her family of course as she had a younger child roughly 4 yrs old at the time that she was diagnosed. She was the rock of the family and she remained to be their rock despite the fact the she already had cancer at that time.

She took a turn for the worst December 2014 as we heard the news that her cancer has spread already. She spent her Christmas at the hospital and at home on New Years. Then come January, the doctors have given up as the cancer has spread more and they could not do anything about it. She was on oxygen and Pleurx drain at that time already but she can still walk, have much energy and converse with us. She had one last wish and that was to go home to the Philippines and see her mom. The doctors gave her a green light and she was all excited to go home, talking about seeing the beach and seeing her loved ones. However, her health gradually deteriorated and we noticed that she does not have much of an energy as she had prior. She couldn't walk as her legs was giving away and she spent most of the time sleeping. During night time, her family told us that she was up most of the time and when she was awake, she did not want to be alone or if someone was there and they were sleeping, she would wake them up. On the night before she was to go home to the Philippines, her body, all of a sudden became very weak. She was delirious and most of the time she thought she was in the plane already heading to the Philippines and would ask every now and then if they were there already. She was able to say goodbye to her husband and 3 kids.She asked their eldest two children to take care of their dad and youngest sibling. The morning that they were supposed go to the airport, she passed away and at 6pm when their plane should have left for the Philippines, her body was taken away at that time instead from their house.

I was there that day when her body lay peacefully on her bed, she had the rosary in her hands and her face was so tranquil. It hurts for everyone that knew her as she was a very good person but I also knew she is no longer suffering and that gave me a bit of relief, to know that she was not in pain anymore and she is with our Lord Jesus Christ already.

Once in awhile, you will meet someone in your life that would change you forever. They see everything and everyone differently that you can never really stop admiring them. I just want you to know that you are the bravest and strongest person I have ever known and I am so blessed that I was your friend. You have touched so many lives and we are all connected by the thread of your kindness and memories shared together. Rest in peace my dear friend. Your physical body may not be here with us anymore but you are always and forever will be in our hearts.

We have taken for granted many things in life and complain about every small things that do not go our way. We neglect to be happy and be content about what we have. Even the mere fact that we are alive, well and have each other. Live everyday like it is your last and make it count.

I am here for you, always & forever

Man is hard wired to trouble shoot and find answers all the time, it's human nature. That's why when we cannot fix something or explain an idea rationally, it creates chaos in our inner self. I cannot fix you my dear friend but I am here. I cannot take away your fears but you can take my hand so you won't feel alone. I cannot take away the sadness but I can wipe the tears from your eyes. I cannot take away the longing you feel to live but I can take your memories and live everyday like you are here beside me. I can offer you prayers and support for you love ones. I may not say this out loud but I hope my mere presence says it all. 

When is it over?

When you are in a long relationship, you get used to the person you are with that sometimes we get too comfortable. Too comfortable that we lose track of the intimacy and romance. We never think of losing our partners because we have been with them for a long time; and yet the opposite is quite true. We are slowly losing them. Even the very basic "i love you" gets lost. Everything is such a routine that nothing is so special anymore. 

At some point tho, it will just hit one of partners. One will wake up sad and start to question, is this what a relationship really looks like? The other will still go on, thinking everything is fine and where it should be.

How sad. Even talking is just a temporary fix as we go back doing the same shits again. Ahh, when no one is feeling special, important and loved anymore, when do we say it is over?

Burning Out

any given profession/job accompanies a certain stress, with that stress comes a certain tolerance we can handle. Once we reach a threshold, it gets harder to find a balance and peace of mind. Know your limits and what you can handle. when you are already presenting with symptoms of burning out, take a day to rewind and fill yourself that much needed positive energy. Remember, if you're not yet alright, you cannot do your job properly. Take a day, take a moment, have a laugh, have a good cup of coffee...do whatever it is to take care of yourself .

Dream About You

I dreamt about you tonight. No malice Just you and me having fun. We laughed and talked all night; i invited you to sleep over as it is too late to go home. You taunted my dirty room but never really hesitated to stay. We laughed and talked still like it was never really late.

They say your dreams reflect your inner desires. Yes, I do miss you and I want to be your person, your best friend. It just scares me to be close with someone as they always do leave me afterwards. Do not be fooled with my actions because it is exactly the opposite.

To the Mistress

I have so many inappropriate profanity to say but i wont say it because I will never stoop to any level I will later regret. Although, I might add, you both deserved every bit of it If I were to say them. The sad part is I actually thought you were a decent human being, Never in my wildest dreams have I ever thought you two would cause me this tremendously awful feeling. For awhile I thought of myself as a paranoid but you know what I was right the whole time! Perks of being a nurse, my only mistake was that I forced myself to blindly trust the one I love. You know I do not want to blame, I know I played a part as to why this all happened, however it is not an excuse for all this act. So many things can be done first before having the end result. I needed to send you this message regardless of how it will make you feel because whatever you feel right now, I am 100x more hurt and devastated. So, there I said it. 

Day Before the Storm

I am unhappy. I didn't feel appreciated. I am tired of doing most of the things at home. I am tired of doing all the thinking most of the time. I am tired of not feeling loved or cared for. 

Why should i have to tell someone how to treat me, how to love me? Or even beg for love making to happen. 

Its not the sex, it's a little bit of everything and a whole lot of nothingness. 

We are not what we were before but i must admit i miss how you treated, looked at and loved me. I know it is bad to compare but you told me you will never change even if i get used to all that. 

What happened to us.

Inhibitions and Skiing

Life is like skiing on a very steep hill, no matter how scary it looks like, you have to keep calm, look ahead and keep the weight on your heels. Have a little bit of faith and just let go. Be free. No inhibitions just pure carelessness and bliss.

Attraction 101

That feeling you get when you stare at someone and start to realize how madly attractive they are. 

They talk with such intelligence and even though you cannot comprehend it fully at times, their very thought process intrigues you.

How positive energy they emit to you that you just feel warm and secure.

Maybe being with you made me realize how much we are alike in some ways and so much more. 

And how I can fall intensely in love with you if I am not too careful.