Let go and Move on

it takes one heartbreak to change a person,

one regret to compensate for the future,

one word to calm the haunted subconscious mind 

and one brave soul to mend all the broken pieces of you fragmented life. 

Say goodbye to grudges.. 

Move forward. 

Forgive. 

Love. 

and 

Be Free.

Lies

Once you have been hurt, you develop scars that despite any lapse of time, it still remains to remind you of what happened in the past. you develop mechanisms that you might not have been fully aware of but are there because you wanted to protect yourself of that very same mistake to happen again. You alter your way of dealing with people, situations and actions. You started to lie to save a face and not let other people in for fear of discrimination and altering perceptions of you.

It seems important at the moment but when time pass and once you get tired of all the lies, you will soon come into terms that it does not matter anymore and what matters is that what you have right now is real and that you are happy.

Dark and Empty Night

I feel so cold and hollow in the inside. I feel so alone and void in every aspect of my being. I am walking blindly and with no purpose. Is it too pathetic if i tell you that i want to die and just be gone? My life is pointless. No meaning and sadly no direction to go.

I go to work and i feel empty. I go to work and just when i get there i just hope that i can go home.

All my life i want to prove something. Now that i reach them i am at lost and kept asking myself, now what?! What the fuck is next for me? What the hell should i do?!

Seems like my life is a joke.

Seniority BS

I love where I work and God knows how proud I am to be a part of it but this whole process of hiring and getting a F/T job is driving me nuts! They hire by seniority and experience, sadly two things that I do not have at the moment because I just graduated. I have to work 2-3 jobs just to get the right amount of hours just to be F/T.

When I was in the university, my professor had raised a very interesting comment and it is about how new RNs changed career after just a few months of getting into the field.

I guess one factor of why some had chosen to make a u-turn instead of going ahead with their career is this: the lack of better opportunities, F/T jobs and security. We have studied for 4yrs, some of us even more! And then suddenly after you graduate and start getting excited of finding a first job and practice what you have learnt in class; all you will get is a casual job or part time. This matter is very concerning and depressing for me. Some say it is for the money but for me:

1. It is about having F/T hours of experience and exposure to the craft/profession that you have chosen.
2. It is about having F/T hours of building connections that deepens your roots.
3. F/T hours so there is no room/time to idle and think about something else
4. F/T hours to appreciate why are you in this profession.

So many things why. I just hope they realized this ASAP. It is good that they are honouring those that have been in the organization for a very long time but there will be more of that in the future if they take care of those that just started in the field and are very hungry and eager to work; and prove something.

Doubts. Denial, Honesty, Courage and Acceptance

You could fool other people but not yourself. You can choose to portray a certain facade but if does not match how you feel inside then eventually you will suffer.

You can tame the demons that haunt inside you but the longer you keep it inside your head, the stronger they become and will over power you someday.

And at some point in your life when lying, saving a face and keeping it all in does not suffice anymore- all you have left in you are the facts, the feelings and relentless urges. Thus, will force you to re- evaluate all these and be honest at what you are genuinely feeling.

It will take time before you find the courage and admit to what those honest emotions might impose but until then your soul will be tormented until you release all those suppressed thoughts and emotions.

And when you finally have done so, even if some other parties cannot accept your honest feelings - you will feel a sense of ease because you have come into terms of everything and have accepted you fate, destiny and path to take in your life.

Contentment

I am falling in a great deal of apathy again. I am lost and I dot know what to do with my nursing career. I am proud of my profession and how noble it is to help other people in need of care but I am in a point in my life wherein I am wondering which path to take to make myself better and be successful and frankly, where I am right now is not where I want to be in the future.

My partner said, if I am not happy with what I have right now, it does not matter if I reach my goals for I will forever be unhappy because I will constantly seek for better options and opportunity. Hence, I will not be contented at all with what I have and what I am.

What's the secret of being happy? What is the main ingredient of it? Is it success, love, career, money, material things? I think any of these can bring about happiness but without content then it's all pointless.

We were constantly been told to improve ourselves and strive to be successful but I think there's an important factor they have missed and it is about being happy with what you have at the moment too. Take the time to enjoy what you have, tap yourself on the shoulder for great job or celebrate the accomplishments you've made because if you don't, then we will be stuck in a constant mentality to crave for something new, exciting and better options which is not completely a negative thing but it just makes in-contentment more likely and decreases the likelihood of really being happy.

Motivation, Inspiration and Passion

We create demons inside our head and sometimes it gets really tiring to suppress them and in return, it is taking over our decisions and our lives. How do we battle something that is so intangible in nature? How can we manage to live and conquer these inside our heads if we have no clue as to where It started and what started it?


Anhedonia the say it is the very inability to feel happiness or fulfillment. Maybe I have that or maybe I just happen to have chronic dissatisfaction in my life. I was never a happy camper. I never was and I think I will never be. I envy people who feels happy and maintain that state of mind for a very longtime. Me? My happiness only last 5 minutes.


Sometimes I would feel that my mind is in constant travel. Like thoughts literally flying in every direction and quite frankly some of them I don't even know why I am thinking of it. It tires my mind, my body...ME. The sad part is it is affecting my inner social circle of people too. Sometimes I wonder how they put up with me and my constant issues. They love me I guess.


I'm impatient. I wanted to succeed so bad that I want it all right away. Some say it is not all bad. But me? I give all out: my effort,time, energy and thoughts. And at some point when I have exhausted everything and to no avail still, I will feel highly frustrated and drained, or maybe to sum it all up: fucked up.


I would like to think that I am creative but as of the moment I have been so blocked that I am so uninspired right now. I missed the days when I was bursting with innovative ideas and wow myself at the outcome. Now I am a big follower of everything. Follow policy and protocol, follow the norm of whatever unit.


You probably would read this and say, if you are not happy why not change it? There is a great algorithm for life that I saw and it goes something like this: if you are happy, continue what you are doing and then if you are not: change something. Would it be nice if life is as easy as like that? But no, life has so many compounding factors and complexities that changing the other one would terribly affect the other factors in your life.


And then there are other reasons why as well: laziness, no courage and fear of the unknown. Why trade this life if the other option is so incredulously blur? I think I know what I am missing and I think they are: motivation, inspiration and passion. Would it be nice if nowadays, there is a pill that you can just take to reach a therapeutic level of it so it can snap you back to normality and function as others have everyday of their life. Maybe the very problem is that I don't want to be like everybody else all along. Maybe I want to create my own path and let others follow me. A profound path that I would be known for. Sigh. Enough of my grandiosity. I need to sleep this off and have a good coffee after. Maybe tomorrow will bring a better disposition.