Mothers and Daughters

It is a complex relationship. One powerful enough to make or break a person. One that I dread to have coz mine is not necessary perfect. Let's face it, who has a perfect relationship with their mom? They are humans after all, no matter what your expectations are/were, they have flaws.

Whether you perceived that they love you less or more, here's what I can say to you - they love the best way they know how.

My mom is nothing like a simple happy nurturing mother. She was a career woman who prides herself at what she does. She worked everyday and barely has time to cook or do house chores. A lot of the time she carried a weight of responsibilities on her shoulders and it sometimes manifested at home. She never liked hugs, kisses nor compliments. Even if she was proud, she showed it in her own silent way.

Growing up as a needy girl who is not at all confident and shy at times was very challenging in that kind of environment. She was non-existent in that nurturing role - a role that in that very young age, I do not even know what the role should look like. So what do you do? Look at other moms as an example. You start comparing and you start to noticing more and more the big gaping void. I grew angry of her, sure after all, I was once a teenager who is bound to rebel at one point. It was confusing and hurtful at times coz at that time, I feel like I was missing a certain program in my gene and it was not nurtured at all.

But like anything else, you leave it alone and ultimately it'll grow eventually. I started to grow older and wiser ( I hope). And now, although it was important then, it seems comical to me now.

My mom has/had imperfections and as result, I grew into those gaps and flaws. I compensate involuntarily what is lacking and as a result - it became me.

See, she never really baby me when I was little - it led me to be more independent She wasn't touchy - feely type person - I turned into someone who writes affection instead. She rarely complimented me or say she is proud of me - so I stopped caring to get her approval and just do the best that I can at all times - I do it for myself and not for her.

I could go on and on about it but that thing is, she may have hurt me at a certain point in my life but at the same time it collectively built me as to who I am today - and I am proud of who I am today. Hence, I am thankful of my mom.

Empty Shell

When the sun goes down and the wind feels extra crispy. A sudden feeling emerges, a sudden gloom that blooms. A poisonous festering emptiness that hugs my soul. Why is it constantly creeping up despite valiant efforts? Fills you chest with a sulking weight then it travels all the way up to your eyes, flooding it with tears. You hope the tears will help ease the uneasiness but it just lingers like a stubborn weed. It's like your mortal body is here but your mind is underneath 6 ft down the ground. To the lowest of the low, where every sinking blow doesn't matter. You can't get hurt because you've been bashed several hundred times. I am a bruised soul with a non-healing mind, crippled with stark dejectedness. You try to drown the sorrow with ale but it only worsens it as it makes it 10x more potent. I am a mess of a human being, broken beyond repair. A fake that walks and talks pretending someone she is not. Building a person who is supposed to be stronger, funnier and more lively when in reality she's is nothing but an empty shell of a being. 

Living Inside My Head

I live inside my head because everything makes sense here. Everyone is fair and nothing hurts. Be careful who you say doesn't feel / think anything because they could be just like me.

She who does not want to speak because she feels that decency should be given and not to be fought about.
She who does not want to utter the obviousness of common sense.

She just might be like me ---- a simple know it all in the head. HAHA

The New Age of Relationships

Welcome to the new age of relationship:

Where the new age of gossip is merely looking at FB posts.

Where chats replaced the actual face to face conversation.

Where unblocking and unfriending is the new avoidance.

Where the amount of posts you have in your feed determines your inner desires.

Where keyboard warrior reign.

Where friend are "connected" but in reality they are separated by screens.

Where posting statuses is more important than the actual moment

          - that not posting it on FB means it did not happen

Where the introverts appear more social than they are. 

Where you can stalk people and criticize them silently and publicly.

Where everyone has an opinion about every single thing.

Where the amount of likes you have determines how popular you are and your worth as a human being

Where being dumb and stupid is the new cool.

Where you can be everything that YOU ARE NOT.

Where everyone thinks posting everything in the life / about their life is everyone's business.

Although technology helped us to be connected in so many ways, it jeopardize our skills to effectively communicate and interact in the real world. We become dumb in social cues and conflict management. Too preoccupied in statuses and likes that it hinders us from really understanding the authenticity of everything around us. 

Stale Breads

You are not a perfect lover, I know that. Sometimes I just miss the old you, the one that I first knew and fell in love with. We live in the same house, we cook for each other and do our mindane responsibilities in life. We call ourselves a married couple and yet sometimes I feel like we are becoming more like strangers. Yes, we know stuff about each other and we shared laughter and tears together but the very thing that I am yearning for is an emotional connection. When I am darn lost and down, Inwish you can say all the right words and just comfort me...to say that no matterr how fucked up the situation is, we can make it because you are there and we are together. When my thoughts are racing, I wish that instead of giving in, you would give me clarity instead. At night, I just wish you can hug me tight and say I love you over and over again and not just merely falling asleep like a fucking log. What are we really? What am I to you? Sure maybe you just have your own way of showing things and I have a screwed idea of what a lover should be, but god damn it! Why should I even have to tell you things that you should know already?it is like time has slowly made you a stale bread, a tasteless effin bread.  Or maybe that is just it, you have fallen out of love. Maybe I am just too tiring to love and you cannot even voluntarily love me. 

That is just sad. Reading that part out loud just makes me wanna cry. How pathetic we have become. They say every relationship goes into a phase like this and itshouldn't be such a surpise. How fucking wonderful, we are becoming two stale breads playing house. I guess we should just call ourselves companions. 

What do you do when the fire and the light is slowly dying already? Do you just let it die and die with it? Coz I think that is where we are heading.

Hyperactive Mind

Everything won't make any sense to you all the time but not every single detail should matter anyways.  You have to train your mind to stop wandering, discipline it so it won't leave youconfused, bewildered and anxious. I get it, it is hard but for your sanity, you have to try harder to accept things you cannot change, let go of the grudges and prioritize all your wonderful ideas. Not all of them should happen all at once. Everything has its own time..all of it will happen and come undone in due time. 

So, stall your hyperactive mind, come away with me to a place where only relaxation and happiness exists.   

Self Acceptance

At a young age we strive hard to belong because it is our nature but not all of us are created the same way as the other. There are preconceived ideas, beliefs and notions that simply because we don't conform to any of these, we are labelled and branded to be an outcast or far something worst. At some point we have to realize that no matter how important our family, friends and society is to us, we have to apprehend that we need to know ourselves, accept ourselves and love ourselves first before we can ever have human connections and relationships. No matter how fucked up our society is in viewing  certain things, you owe it to yourself to just be who you are and embark in a journey called self discovery and acceptance. It doesn't matter how harsh the world is, as long as you are not hurting anyone and you are living the life you love, that it what is most important. 

We cannot change narrow minded people, what we can change is how we react to them or if we will let them break us. 

They have their own opinion and they are entitled to that, we can always agree to disagree on certain beliefs. I still have hope, that one day we can live harmoniously despite all our differences and oddities.